A doctor’s appointment is usually one of the most avoided engagements for many of us. The smell of antiseptics, nurses and doctors who are always on the rush, and the haggard look on people’s faces for looking after their ill relatives bore and scare us at the same time.
Despite of these, doctors listen to what every patient has to say. May it be regarding the symptoms, medical records or the last thing we have eaten, doctors always listen.
But given them the mic, they also have plenty of things to say. When this happens, hilarious patient stories are being revealed!
Here are 20 of the “stupidest” and most hilarious patient stories ever shared by doctors:
1. Lady With Accent
Surgeon here. Was doing varicose veins surgery on a very posh middle aged lady. Very cut class accent. There was an anaesthetic that we used that sometimes induced some hallucinations either going under or coming out of anaesthesia and heard some funny things. Anyway this lady was in recovery just coming out of the anaesthetic. The team were around waiting for her to wake up and gag a little on the tube in her throat (for breathing) so we knew it was time to remove it. She gagged, we removed the tube, she smacked her lips and said loudly, in her incredible accent: ‘That’s the best bit of cock I have had in years!’ The whole recovery room just fell about laughing. Luckily she didn’t remember it.
2. Third Husband
As I leaned in to check her eyes, my older patient got a little frisky.
“You remind me of my third husband,” she said coyly.
“Third husband?” I asked. “How many have you had?”
3. Lord Voldemolart
When I came out from having my wisdom teeth pulled I apparently shot up, looked at the doctor and said “Charlatan! I demand you return my teeth! They are mine and I will choose where they are to be spent!” My dad said he couldn’t stop laughing because I wouldn’t leave without them. When I woke up at home I asked my dad why my teeth were in a plastic bag on the table, he told me everything and promptly started calling me Lord Molar for the rest of the night.
“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”
5. Too Personal To Discuss
I asked a female patient with dementia what year it is. She said, “Oh, my, no, that’s far too personal to discuss in polite company. A nice young lady like you shouldn’t be concerned with such things.” I didn’t bother pointing out that I’m not a lady. I figured if she didn’t notice the beard, then she wasn’t going to understand an explanation either.
6. Effective Ear Drops
My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked,” she said.
“What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“It tasted awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called ear drops for a reason.
7. Mind-Blown Patients
I am an ER doc. I once had a 20 year old and his girlfriend come in at 2 am freaking out because “something had tore his throat open”. He seemed fine. No blood. Breathing fine. I had him open his mouth, saw nothing. So didn’t want him to lose confidence in me, clearly something had happened, so I’m looking, and looking…. There is nothing wrong with this kids throat. Finally I say look, it seems okay… What do you feel or see? “I don’t feel it but LOOK ITS RIGHT THERE.” I said, “Where?” Looking, looking. It was his uvula. Somehow this kid had gotten to the age of 20 without ever noticing his uvula. Girlfriend was also horrified….I told them it was normal. Did not believe me. So I told them I was about to blow their minds and showed him his girlfriends uvula. Minds blown, another life saved in the ER.
8. Extraordinary Family
RN here. I see some crazy stuff, but one thing that stands out was the time I was admitting a guy to the hospital. I can’t really remember what for but he was about 400lbs, diabetic, heart disease, you name it. Anyhow I’m at the computer going over some admission questions with him and his 10 family members who are crowded in the room with him. A few minutes in he starts complaining that he’s thirsty. He needs something to drink RIGHT NOW. So I get on my phone and call the nurse assistant and ask her to bring in some ice water. As soon as the words are out of my mouth the whole family screams “NOOOO! NO WATER! HES ALLERGIC TO WATER!” Well this is gonna be a problem. Turns out the guy had been drinking nothing but sprite and sweet tea for years because of his “water allergy”. The next question the wife had was “where are we all supposed to sleep?” The whole family, 10 people, were planning to stay at he hospital with him.
You can’t make this shit up.
9. Epic Fail
Went about an anal problem. The doctor put his finger up to check all was ok, I made a slight noise and he asked if I was ok. And this is when I said “That’s nice”, instead of “That’s okay.”
10. Pissed Off
I have a friend that works in a doctors office in Amish Country in Pennsylvania. They had an Amish couple come in, saying that the wife couldn’t get pregnant. They ran a couple tests, and everything was coming up normal. So then they gave him a cup and asked him for a semen sample. He came back with it full of his piss. He had been pissing in his wife, thinking that is how you impregnate someone.
11. Chocolate Milk
A woman came in for a baby check with her 6-month-old and she had what looked like chocolate milk in the baby’s bottle. So I started explaining to her as kindly as I could that she shouldn’t be giving her baby chocolate milk. At which point she interrupts me and says, “Oh that isn’t chocolate milk. It’s coffee! He just loves it!”
12. Wash After Use
I had a patient come in for an STD check. She was very upset and continued to tell me that she only had one partner. Progressing through my assessment she further divulged that even if he was sleeping with other people it shouldn’t matter “because he uses a condom every time and he makes sure to wash it thoroughly after every use.” I asked what she meant when she said he washes it after every use. She explained that he washed the condom with hot water and soap before he used said condom again.
13. I’m Afraid You Haven’t
I gave my patient the results of her sleep study: “It looks like you stopped breathing in your sleep over 65 times per hour.”
Her response: “Did I start back?”
14. She Doesn’t Need a Man
While I am a doctor, this happened to my wife, also a doctor. Female pt came in complaining of infertility. Said she and her partner had been trying to conceive for like five years and had “tried everything.” At one point she let the pronoun slip “she and I…” and my wife said, “wait, let’s back up a minute.” Turns out the woman had been in a hetero relationship for a few years and never got pregnant despite using no protection. She then entered a same-sex relationship and again never got pregnant even though she really wanted to, leading her to believe she was infertile. When my wife tried to explain that conception requires sperm (sourced from a male) as well as an egg, the pt was incredulous, and exclaimed that she “didn’t need a man in my life” and she didn’t like being judged. Perhaps needless to say the patient was lost to followup.
15. Wrong Hole
Not a doctor, but I’m a former Special Forces medic and I treated indigenous populations in Iraq, Afghanistan and several other Middle Eastern countries. Some of the patients and their families asked incredible things of me, such as putting brains back inside after an explosion took half the head off, but I have never been as incredulous as when I had to explain “wrong hole” to a very old tribal elder who was wondering why he couldn’t father any children.
16. Numerous Heart Attacks
This happened in med school. I was taking the history of a guy in clinic and I asked about his past medical problems, including if he had had any heart attacks.
He responded, “oh yeah, I’ve had about 20 of those.”
“…you’ve had 20 heart attacks??”
“Which doctor(s) did you see about them? Do you have a cardiologist?”
“Nah, I never went to a doctor. My wife is a massage therapist, and whenever a heart attack hits, she starts to massage some pressure points and it stops.”
“……Uhhhhh, ok……What does it feel like when you have a heart attack?”
“I don’t ever remember them. My wife tells me that I fall onto the floor and my arms and legs start jerking. She says it takes about a minute of her massaging before it stops. I then get really confused and tired afterwards, and I can’t remember much of anything that happens to me until I take a nice long nap.”
The dude was having seizures, and thought that they were heart attacks. They normally stop on their own after a few minutes (at the most), and his wife thought that her massages were curing him.
17. In Denial
I admitted a guy for pneumonia, which was odd because he was young and strapping, no other medical issues, x-ray didn’t look quite right. The pieces just didn’t add up and so I started questioning him more closely.
Me: Do you use any drugs? Patient: Drugs! That’s disgusting. I’m no fucking druggie! I’ve never touched drugs in my life.
I move on to other questions and suddenly:
Patient “Look, doc, I just want you to know I may have used cocaine once or twice years and years ago. I just snorted it though. That wouldn’t cause this, right? Me: How long ago? Patient: Like ten years, maybe longer. Me: It shouldn’t be affecting you after this long. Patient: More like five. Me: Years? Patient: Uh, like five months ago.
This goes on forever, until he admits he just got off a massive crack binge the day before, where he spent the past three days in a hotel with some “loose women” smoking crack non-stop. He finishes with: “But I don’t want you to think I’m one of those dirty druggies.”
No, I think you’re the idiot who lied and was getting treated for pneumonia instead of getting the proper treatment for crack lung, which is what he had.
18. Preventing an Argument
Had a female patient. Her mom asked me to adjust her scrotum. Trying not to burst out laughing, I said “Your daughter’s scrotum?” She acted like I was stupid and pointed to the back of her neck.
I knew she wouldn’t listen as she was so convinced so I stopped arguing with her. And I also wanted her to go around saying it to other people.
19. Amputations Run in the Family
I’ve had a patient claim that amputations run in his family.
He said that was the only reason he needed both legs taken off above the knee. He was adamant that it was not actually due to his uncontrolled diabetes, his enormous and continual sugar intake, his refusal to use insulin, or his refusal of treatment for the giant infected wounds on both feet.
20. Regular Rash
The stupidest thing I’ve been to the doctor for: I took my young son in because he had a very regular rash on his lower back. It wasn’t until I was in the doctor’s office that I noticed that it had exactly the same pattern as the inlet cover on our jacuzzi. Which he had just been bathing in.